Welcome to Running to Myself. I’m Trisha Stanton. Life and mindset coach, running coach and host of Running to Myself.
16 years ago I ran my first marathon. The process of training for that first race changed my life. This podcast is my opportunity to share some of the lessons I have learned through the many ups and downs of life during my almost 2 decades of running and learning more about who I am. It is my hope that through my stories maybe you will see a bit of yourself as well and find a nugget of truth and inspiration to take with you. Let’s get started.
Welcome to Episode 21 Holiday Reflections
One of the most valuable skills I have learned from my years of long distance running is the importance of flexibility. I’m not talking about being physically flexible or limber, I’m referring to the ability to adjust when things don’t go your way or when the unexpected happens. Distance running requires a basic level of fitness and endurance and the rest of it is mental fitness and endurance. A lot of the challenges come in the form of being able to handle whatever happens during a run and often while you are experiencing varying degrees of discomfort. Sounds like a great hobby, right?
I’ve been thinking a lot about expectations and flexibility during the holidays lately. If you are in a season of life where the holidays are delightful and exactly what you pictured all your life, enjoy every minute of it! I had many years in that season and I soaked it all in and loved every minute of it. But if you are in a season of change or unmet expectations, you might want to lean in because I have been there and I promise, there is a way to salvage your holiday cheer or at the very least preserve your sanity.
By the time this episode comes out, Thanksgiving will be behind us. Facebook has been showing me lots of memories of past Thanksgivings, most of the pictures being from my Turkey Trot running days. No matter where you live, there is probably an opportunity for you to run a local 5k on Thanksgiving day before the big meal. It’s a great idea really. Get outside, feel the fresh air, and get some exercise in before spending the rest of the day eating. It is a wonderful family activity. It also usually means getting up really early on a holiday. Guess who’s family had zero interest in doing that? In all the years that I ran the local Turkey Trot, there was only one where I was able to persuade some of my family to participate as well. And I assure you, there was plenty of grumbling involved. Their involvement was a one and done situation. We took advantage of the photo op, but they didn’t really enjoy the experience which meant I didn’t really enjoy much of the experience. After that, I stopped pressuring them to join me. I still offered the opportunity to join me each year, but I never again pressured them into coming AND I didn’t have any angry thoughts about them not participating. I decided not to make it mean anything about our family AND I decided to continue going and enjoying the experience myself. I would meet up with my friends who were also running, have a great time and then return home before anyone else was awake.
When we first moved to SA I no longer had running friends to meet up with at the local 5k. The weather around Thanksgiving in San Antonio is usually beautiful. Much different than the cold Thanksgiving day runs of my Indiana days. The first several years of holidays here were hard for me. We weren’t all together as a family and as much as I loved living in Texas, I was homesick for the large family gatherings of our past. That’s when my husband and I started taking holiday hikes. After the meal we would head to the closest trail and do a little hike. I didn’t set out for this to be something that we did every holiday, but it stuck for several years and expanded to other holidays as well-Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day. And here’s the craziest part, my adult kids, the same ones who had zero interest in participating in the Thanksgiving Day turkey trots, really enjoyed the post meal hike. And I was DELIGHTED by their enthusiasm. I began to think of this as OUR thing. Something we would continue to do as part of our family tradition. And then the dynamic changed. As we became more settled into our life here more people began to join us for holiday meals and I took on the role of hosting larger gatherings with guests coming and going and sometimes staying the night. The intimate family hike no longer made sense. I was back to enjoying gatherings of family and friends in our home. The very thing that I missed so much when we first came here. It looks different than when my kids were little and our extended family all came together. It is not exactly what I pictured our holidays would be like at this time in our life when I was much younger and had the illusion that I was in control of such things. Years ago when my life was falling apart in ways I never would have dreamed of, I learned the hard lesson that I was not in control of anyone but myself. The learning of this truth was painful but the rewards on the other side have exceeded my expectations. I learned to let go of the expectations that were causing me so much pain. The holidays are a time when expectation can suddenly rise up out of nowhere and without realizing it, we find ourselves suddenly angry at the world and everyone around us. Why? Because the little hidden expectations that we hold suddenly come to light. These expectations might be hidden from us as well. What to do? Well, you don’t have to do anything, but if you want to enjoy your time with loved ones this season, I would like to suggest flexibility. I can feel some of you cringing right now. You are thinking that I don’t know your situation. You’re right, I don’t. But what I do know is that the last 10 years have taught me that flexibility is the only way I get to emerge in January without feeling sad about what I think I missed out on.
Let’s talk about where holiday expectations come from for a moment. Here’s something you may not realize. The driving force of our expectations is how we think we will feel when the expectation is met. For example, I have amazing memories of large family holiday gatherings when I was a child all the way through when my own children were growing up. Those memories are filled with feelings of love and connection for me. Naturally I desire to continue to recreate those feelings during the holidays each year. It is easy to believe that this is only possible if we have all of our people together, carrying on the traditions of the past. It is easy to believe that if we do not succeed in doing it the same way it was done in the past, that we will end up disappointed. The feeling of “it’s just not the same as it used to be.” The sentence of disappointment. Listen, I have fallen victim to the sentence of disappointment before. It only leads to more feelings of disappointment and let down. It was easy for me to believe that in order for the holidays to feel like the holidays I desired, the stage had to be set and that meant having everyone together at the same time the way it used to be. For various reasons, that doesn’t usually happen for my family anymore and it hasn’t for the last nine years. Along the way, I have learned some valuable lessons. The holidays are going to come each year no matter what. The circumstances are such that our celebrations look quite different than the ones that I grew up with. And yet, I am able to love the holiday season again. Why? Because I learned to be flexible with my expectations. I figured out that the feelings I desire to create for myself (I say myself because we can only control our own feelings, but that is a topic for another day) are love and connection with my loved ones. Feeling love and connection toward my loved ones doesn’t come from us all being in the same room together. It comes from my thoughts about my individual loved ones. This is the best news because that means I don’t have to depend on the circumstances of who is here and for how long or when to create those warm and fuzzy feelings that I associate with the holiday season. I can create those warm and fuzzy feelings with my thoughts about my loved ones. I can love, appreciate and enjoy them no matter when they show up, how long they stay, what they wear and whether or not they are willing to play games after dinner. I can be flexible about all of those things because they are just circumstances and my feelings come from my thoughts, not my circumstances. Understanding this, has opened the doors to enjoying some unconventional holidays over the last decade. Learning to be flexible in my expectations and intentional in my thoughts has saved me from many years of disappointment.
I would also like to point out that flexibility can take on different forms during different seasons of life. If you are grieving a loss, facing a serious illness of yourself or a loved one, or have just been hit with a major life altering change, of course this year will not have the happiness or lightness of years past. Use the idea of flexibility to give yourself grace navigating through this sensitive time. That is a form of flexibility that we may be quick to offer to others but don’t often extend to ourselves.
That’s all I have for you today, my friends. I hope you enjoyed this episode of Running to Myself. You can find previous episodes on apple podcasts and spotify or on my website www.trishastanton.com. New episodes are released each Monday. You can subscribe on Apple or Spotify to automatically receive each new episode as it comes out.
If you know someone who you think would enjoy this podcast, please share it with them! I will be back next week to share a little more about my journey on the road to discovering my truest self.
In the meantime, if you want to know more about my coaching program or have questions about one-on-one coaching or life coaching in general, please visit my website at www.trishastanton.com or my Facebook Group The Simple Truth Coaching. I would love to hear from you!
Have a great week and remember, Mindset Matters!
